Quirky

Interesting quirk - hearing myself say what strikes my own ears as illogical.  Has happened quite a few times in my life, each time flooding my mind & heart with Wow! illumination.

Remember hearing myself tell my sister, Mim, "You know if you ask me to do something, I have to do it."  Heard it & realized it was true.  And so very wrong that is should be.  Remember hearing myself tell Page, "Oh, I never set goals; the surest thing I can do to ensure not reaching a goal is to set it."  Heard it & realized it was true. And so very wrong that it should be.  

Who doesn't know that I adore & admire my husband?  A true "He is mine! She is mine!" love.  But one small character trait drives me totally around the bend, instantly filling me with frustration & ancient sadness & all sorts of ugly feelings about myself (an old trait & beyond loopy).  I can point it out to him, tell him the depth of despair it fills me with, explain that his changing this seemingly itsy bitsy thing would make a huge difference in my life, in our relationship.  

Last night, it hit me between the eyes ~  if he didn't change when I first noticed & openly acknowledged it in 1989 (and all the countless times between then & now),  it's not about to happen. Not then, not now, not ever.  I told John what I believe in my heart of hearts - he'll never change - and I could not change my desperate reaction  Heard it & realized that while it feels true for me that he will not change, it's not for me to say.  It's not my trait.  Whether he changes or not is up to him.  But my own reaction of turning it into my personal Dementor?  THAT is in my power.   

It's up to me to change from clinging to whatever it is that instantly blows a small thing up into something that sucks out all light & life, filling my entire being with darkness & death.  Praise be for being quirky, for hearing when I say the utterly illogical, for instantly realizing the folly in the words.  And for being able to DO something about it.  

My quirky Ah Ha! moments are typically followed by an immensely practical one - realizing that yes, whatever it is thats bedeviling me IS outside my ability to change. So I go looking for others to help shed light on my darkness.  Bishop Pendleton, Willard Heinrichs, Mark Carlson, Kevyn Malloy - all people I sought help from over my lifetime.  Just this week, Edie Weinstein.  

Seeking help, seeking change is as natural to me as breathing.  It's not to a lot of people, a lot of them even find the trait suspect - no one can hear & respond that quickly.  My sister-in-law captured that skeptical response best, labeling it irksome, insincere, among other things.  And although I didn't agree, I also couldn't see much good in the quirky response.  Took until my 3rd act to realize an inborn drive to make things work, make broken things whole.  I hear when I say things that make no sense, then look for what does.  Am blissed to realize, "Hey, that's not quirky - that's one smart cookie!"

Okay, it feels like John cannot change (although who know?).  

That leaves it to me.  

Might not seem fair, might not seem "right," but it is what it is.  

Get over it, get on with it.