aaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh

Weird, thinking of all the years – the decades & decades – spent feeling frustrated & confused & UN when it came to having a sense of my surviving family.  Weird, because no matter how I felt about them, can now understand in my bones that it was piddly compared to the arrrrgggggghhhhh! they felt around me. 

Truth is, I had it so much easier than they did.  I felt a sense of connection with them, but - to this day - they seem to only feel an occasional connection to me.  Imagine having to put up with someone for years & years & years without feeling much if any sense of common bond.  That is hard, that is miserable hard.

Shaking my head, thinking about all the times I sent them around the bend with frustration.  Mim expressed it best.  After Kerry & Mike had gone home following his 40^th Charter Day reunion & Mom's Charter Day weekend memorial service, she told there was something she wanted to tell me, but was leery, fearful I’d take it the wrong way.  I assured her I’d take it well, so she shared with me that Mike & Kerry appreciated all that I had done for Mom.  What a dork I was, responding, “While it’s nice to hear from you, it would have meant a lot to hear it from them.”  In an instant, Mim was distressed - “It's enough they said it to anyone, they shouldn't have to say it to you.” Click.

I was always putting things awry with my sibs.  Even when I thought I was being sort of neutral, I had a talent for driving them over the edge.

Take the time first Mim, then Peter backed out of a family appointment with Mom’s psychologist.  Mim had a work commitment, then Peter called to say he wouldn't be there either.  I was left wondering if he was pulling out due to a commitment or wanted to wait until Mim could be there, too.  Seemed like a logical line of wondering.  Not to Peter.  Mom had left a voice message, asking just, and he read her the Riot Act when he called back - “Mim & me and the whole f---- world are sick of Elsa controlling our lives.  You tell her what I just said, all of it.  It’s enough to know I’m not coming; she doesn’t need to know why.” 

Mom didn’t have to tell me - I was in the same room & could hear every word.  Geez, a friend  sitting downstairs in the living room could hear his voice!   No two ways about it, I could drive that man around the bend. 

For years, have said my sibs experience me as fingernails on a chalkboard.  Even my sister-in-law experienced me as over-the-top rude, telling Mom she wanted to leave a room as soon as I entered it.   

And there I was, all those years, haplessly clueless that my sibs experience me as unimaginably toxic.  Yeah, they often left me in a dither trying to communicate, but it felt like nothing in the world sent them right up a wall than persistently aaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhh moi.  Yikes!

Disconnect

There is no fathoming how much I drove Mim, Peter & Mom to distraction!  There were the three of them, as leery of open conversation as a cat is of a swimming pool;  there was I, with my steadfast faith in the healing powers of full discussion. 

Is it any wonder they felt I drove them around the bend?

How could we have such night & day different communication styles?  My guess is that will have to remain one of life’s unanswered questions.

Power, Prestige & Place

It is truly strange reading something that caught my attention on a rather prosaic level, only to discover a lot of its messages are like magic keys opening up AH HA! insights into my life, from earliest days to now.  Strange & wondrous!!

For one thing, can now grasp how my tone deafness about “proper place” got me into a pickle with siblings who felt owed due deference because of age or brilliance, with people of power or prestige or connection who expect a “kiss the ring” mentality from all but a select few, with people who expect leaders are to followed, not questioned.  

Mind you, I was raised to be deferential to my elders, to teachers & to ministers.  That was it.  Mom & Dad never seemed cowed being around people with vast wealth or were incredibly successful in the business world or had racked up a collection of degrees & lofty honors.  

Nope, I never fully grasped that some folks measure & expect to be measured by power, prestige, or place.  Call me a clueless ninny, but it never occurred to me. 

But, wait - that clueless quality was the very cornerstone of my corporate success!  Unlike most of my colleagues & coworkers, I never hesitated to reach out to a “higher up” to resolve a problem or advance a key project.   (Thanks, Pete, for encouraging that!)

Will always remember the colleagues who considered I’d committed corporate suicide when I questioned a suggestion made by a lofty vice president-in-charge and several lesser vps.  (Hey, it was an expensive idea with no long-term benefits for the company!)   They were even more surprised when, after our lunch break,  the very execs I’d questioned returned full of agreement with my idea, wanting to hear more.  “Gee, you have nerves of steel,” was the comment I heard.  No – it never dawned on me to keep silent; sure, they might not agree with me, but at least I’d give them another way of looking at things.

Time & again, I was blind to the next-best step toward recognition & power.  Take when a financial services group I worked for acquired the 401(k) administrative unit from a company with an illustrious name (our company was only known within the industry).  I was assigned to work with the new unit when it started having morale problems due to the transition.  After a couple weeks, I asked the vp of our HR department, “Jim, I’m wondering - what's your transition plan for bringing them onboard?”  He looked at me like I’d spoken Swahili.  I rephrased the question.  Same puzzled response.  Finally, I asked, “Jim, do you have a transition plan?”  No, he didn’t - we'd acquired a unit with well over 100 employees, all of who had taken great pride working for a famous company, thrown them into a culture significantly less laid-back than theirs, and didn’t have a plan for helping ease them into their new environment, for making them feel part of the bigger team.  And there I was, opening up my big mouth to point this all out.  But it got results.  Jim realized the execs had to TALK to the new hires, needed to make them feel visible & valued, yet  part of a greater whole.  They were so impressed with my “bold, straight” talk, they insisted (literally) on giving me a hefty salary increase plus bonus. 

Back in the dawn of my professional life, when I was an elementary school teacher, it never occurred on me to play politics with my students.  A co-teacher from those early days, a wondrous politician who went on to spectacular success, told my sister the reason I hadn’t lasted at the school was that when I saw a child needed something, I went straight for it, without taking the time to pander to the principal (who saw himself as THE power broker) or the parents, who (sadly) often saw their own interests more readily than they did their child’s.   He was right - didn't then, wouldn't now.  

To me, in that first job, teaching was about advancing each child’s best interests, not racking up tenure.

When I worked in public relations & marketing for a mega insurance company, it was about making sure the marketing teams had the materials they needed, that the city offices served by our regions had the proper resources, accurate information, and creative support  they needed to meet/exceed their financial objectives.  And sometimes it meant questioning dubious suggestions by lofty execs.

When I worked in financial services, it was about being there for customers (HR department heads) and brokers, to define problems & craft solutions, to educate all contacts so that they could avoid similar problems in the future, then following up with our own departments on ways to improve my own delivery of services.  And sometimes it meant speaking truth to power.

In doing all of the above, I ruffled my fair share of feathers, from the principal who felt my (unwitting) use of power was unseemly in a female teacher to colleagues horrified at my willingness to disagree with power to vps who could not believe  I’d bring up a dicey situation simply to protect the company’s best interest to the sib-in-law who bristled when I didn’t inwardly courtesy to her superior self.

What fun at age 61 to realize that what got me into “trouble” was a forever devotion to stewardship.  I am not patting myself on the back.  Look at my life.  It’s sort of clear.  And it’s not because of anything I did or strategized or developed.  Chalk it up to a little bit nature, a lot of my family's nurture. 

It’s not a handicap, not a blessing – it just is what it is, which is a spur for more. 

What a thrill to confidently, consciously, vibrantly sally forth into the rest of my life, seeking opportunities to bring the best of whatever it is I am to a world that seems in need of my – let’s face it – funky ways. 

My power lies in my eagerness to do what I can, in whatever circumstances I find myself.  My prestige lies in being myself & staying willing to experience others with an open heart.  And my place is wherever I set my foot. 

Adventures await!

Oh, rats! It's a Foothill!!!

After working SO hard on improving my capacity to be aware & attentive, have discovered that mastering those conjoined qualities is akin to reaching the top of what I thought was a mountain, only to discover it to be a foothill.  

No!  

You’ve GOT to be kidding!! 

My true mountain, beckoning me to scale its peak, turns out to be focused attention, a quality I couldn’t see until clearing its foothill.  What first felt like a stunning set back, am now seeing as the next best step, the bigger climb to a much wider perspective. 

No time to rest.  

Savor the achievement – because it is – and press onward.

Stewardship v. Committee-eze

It was a shock when my offer to put on a monthly “Movie & Martinelli’s” night – 30 mins of socializing over chilled sparkling cider in champagne flutes & bite-sized desserts, followed by a classic (closed captioned) flick - - evening at our local senior residence was turned down as basically too much bother.  Am happy to report that they now do watch a movie every week, but it would be so much fun to pamper them a little bit, let them know how appreciated they are as role models & mentors.  But “they might drop food on the carpet” and cleaning up would be too troublesome.

It was a shock when my offer to arrange a monthly evening meal – an informal pot luck “thank you” from our community’s youngers to the elders who mean so much to us – was turned down because it might cut into the number of people signing up for the twice-a-week catered supper. 

But neither of those responses were as surprising as the friend who counseled me that the best way to get people to take my efforts seriously was to form a committee to work on it.  Having a committee behind me would show that I was serious about my idea, that it had the necessary gravitas to get it done, that it would demonstrate that it wasn’t just an idea that I might drop down the road.  Setting up a committee would demonstrate my commitment to the proposals.

You know what a camel is?  

A camel is a horse that was designed by a committee.

Am going on record as saying that a strong, healthy vibrant community is not founded on a web of committees.  It is founded, grounded & nurtured through good old-fashioned stewardship.  On someone taking the “a” (accountability) for doing something, even if, when & how that something becomes a bother or even a chore.  You put your shoulder to the wheel & get it rolling.  “Where two or more are gathered together” doesn’t refer to committee meetings, but about the inner spirit transcending the human experience. 

According to something I recently read, living from a sense of stewardship is the opposite of living from self-interest.  It is living from a sense of community building, an activity that is often packaged as a pseudo-corporate dynamic when it is actually massively free-form, in ways wildly contrary to a systems approach.  Taking a systems approach is so calming, so reinforces that we can get this difficult task in hand & resolved.  But community, real community, is heart centered, and the heart has reasons reason knows not.  It is unruly & wild, unpredictable & spectacularly rewards.

Stewardship is the antithesis of committee thinking, at least as I’ve experienced it.  It means someone taking the ball & running with it.  It might involve working with committees & occasionally doing things within a systems-based format, but it can’t start there & it can’t largely reside there.  Stewardship is organic, growing naturally even if that means slow, erratic growth.

Stewardship v. Committee-eze.  I grew up speaking in the tongue of stewardship.  Learned it at my father’s knee.  

Never could get a handle on committee-eze.  Respect those who can, but it so is not me.  

Throw me the ball, then watch me run with it.  

So, yes, I’ll send a proposal about putting on a dessert & Martinelli’s once a month at the local senior residence’s movie night.  And one on having the youngers put on a monthly “feast of thanks” for our older role models & mentors.  And will set up a clean up committee for each one - or have one amazing friend (who gets antsy setting things up but loves setting things straight afterwards) take the "a" for restoring order.  

But, no “exploratory” committee.  An organization committee, sure.  There are many uses for committees.  But not to give an idea value.  The idea has its own value, or not.   

So, let me at them  Just one woman, wanting to act as a steward to a community of elders, none of whom are related to me or even particularly close friends, who have touched my life, have touched the lives of more people than they might realize.  Just one woman, wanting to let them know – we thank you, we care.   

Enigmas

A lot of people are uncomfortable with enigmas.  

Personally, I think most things are enigmatic, simply clothed with an appearance that we comprehend.

wee small hours - a universal US

Oh, the insightful thoughts that burble up after being awakened at 4:00 a.m., then unable to get back to sleep! 

This morning, it felt like a great something flipped over in my soul.  A flip I've believed in for many many years, a flip I couldn't make happen, it had to happen on its own, in its own time.

And this morning, there it was.  On this side instead of that.  

Two small but mighty moments in my life came together.  A comment in an obscure movie that talked about how we are all energy, therefore all connected, all one.  Heard that in the early 1990s.  One comment by an actor in a little known flick, and my mind opened to its own power & glory for the first time.  What I see-touch-feel is illusion;  life was suddenly a spectacular something new & different.   The second moment happened in the late 1990s, when I "adopted" my first BACS class, the ANC Class of 2010.  One incredulous adult simply could not fathom why I would invest my time & energy in a group of children who were not related to me, whose families were not close to me in any way, who had no connection to my life.  I explained that I didn't love them because of any family or friendship connection  -  I loved them because they breathe.

This morning, I woke up & my life had flipped.  Ancient issues & chronic problems had blown away, like the head of fluff of a gone-to-seed dandelion.  POUF!  Gone.  Instead of feeling small & unconnected, an aberration in a swirl of standard, I just am.  Which is pretty darn stunning, as it means there are no barriers between me & anything.  

Only endless pathways.

There is only the universal US.  The US that connects all energies, that loves all "because they breathe."  

None of  this is news to me.  It wasn't news when I heard John Heard's character talk about how EVERYTHING interconnects.  It wasn't news when I explained to people that I loved the 1st grade because they breathed.  In both cases, it was a reawakening to what I'd always known.  The reason I could move through so much confusion in my life was because I knew the core reality was that I was connected to all of it, including the confusion, in a positive way.

That is not to say there aren't people, places, things to which I feel a special, deeper relationship.  Praise be, there are.  And I am open, receptive to forming more with all that comes along.  But am sitting here, smiling, at an absurdly (for me) early hour, because my focus is on the incomprehensive, glorious, liberating BIGness & connection of it all.  

The united state of US

I don't know how rare it is for someone to feel like he or she was never considered part of her birth family - the longer I am on this planet, the more I discover my experiences aren't all that unique - but it was certainly my experience.  

How much did/do my surviving siblings feel or felt part of our genetic unit?  Am utterly clueless.  But at least they shared years & years of common memories, be they good, bad or indifferent.
Not me.  By the time I hit 5th grade, they'd all graduated from high school.  

I was never part of them, of a larger us that is the experience of so many families.  

"Oh, how sad,"  friends say.  I don't experience it that way.  Well, not once I moved past figuratively & literally banging my head against the wall in futile attempt after futile attempt to  find common ground, to make connection, with people who had no sense of either, at least not  with me.  

Instead, those friends should say, "How interesting."  Because it is.  And astonishingly impersonal.  It's not that my sibs are unfeeling or awful or mean - it's just not in their make up.  

Instead, those friends should ask, "What did you get out of your experience?"  So much!!

Chief among my blessings is the universal sense of US that's solely due to not having the core "us" so many of my friends enjoyed, even with all the gnarly family issues that usually arise.  While I many not be connected to individuals, to surviving brothers & sister, they are part of the bigger connection I feel, the connection to EVERYONE & EVERYTHING.  The universe is my family.  It's not just that all sentient creatures seem somehow connected to my life force, so does the stunning dogwood, that beautiful out cropping of rock, that bend of the river.  It's all part of my US.  Being connected to everyone & everything means that I am naturally connected to my surviving sibs, too, and to their kids & to their kids.  

Another blessing is learning when it makes sense to just let go, without judgement.  Look at the relationships you're working to "fix" in your life.  Is it truly fixable?  A lot aren't.  Over the years, I've come to compare striving mightily to "mend" my own family relations to someone who's spent decades trying to restore a beloved family clock, finally taking it to a master clockmaker, who realizes there is a missing part.  No matter how hard I tried, it wasn't going to be whole.  How I wish I could convey that hard-won lesson to others, but it seems each of us has to come to it on our own.  

I don't have a grand fambily or even a not-so-grand family, but I have everything that breaths & that takes my breath away.  Pretty cool.