Personal Petri Dish

If I’d been born into a so-called “typical” family, my life would have included probably at least one sibling or parent with whom I felt a sense of reciprocal connection.  My family was far from typical & there wasn’t a single person with whom I had a reciprocal sense of connection.  What I had was the equivalent of a telephone with a slashed cord – there could be all the desire in the world for connection on my end, but it wasn’t going to happen.  Not when I was little, not when I was a teen or an adult or now, when I am at the far end of middle age. 

Most people think of that as terribly sad.  It is what it is. 

Around six years ago, Gail Cooper introduced me to Gary Chapman’s concept of the five languages of love.  A blazing light dawned as she described them to me.  Immediately realized that my mom, my sister & myself has a different language of love – Mom gave words of affirmation, Mim seems most comfortable giving things, while I am acts of service.   On the receiving end, Mom also longed for words of affirmation, Mim – truth be told I don’t know how my sister best receives love, while for me it’s definitely quality time with people. 

It drove me batty how Mim & Peter could treat Mom like dirt, but all they had to say was “I love you” and all was well.  Poor woman.  She was okay with that, while she never, not to her dying day, could figure out why it drove me wild when she’d do something totally against my best interests (and usually against hers too), then think saying, “I love you” would make it okay.  That made NO sense to me.  It did to her. 

Mim was the most generous sister imaginable, when she wanted to be.  But what I longed for then & now was her time.  A few years ago, I came across letters Mim wrote to Mom during the brief period she attended the University of Houston, when I was in high school.  She mentioned making the time to watch a TV. show she knew I liked, so that we would have something to talk about.   Sheez.  There she was, taking time from her studies to keep up to date with a TV. show so that she’d have some connection with her little sis, while back home I longed for her return, to engage with her fascinating intellect, which even as a kid I revered as light years beyond mine. 

If I had been born into the typical American family (which probably doesn’t exist), I would never have experienced spectacularly complex family dynamics that defied belief.  I would never have realized you can’t generalize about families, that even the best of them are challenged.  I would never have understood that people can experience the exact same thing in radically different ways.  That being different doesn’t make you or them wrong.  That just because something is an issue for you doesn’t mean it’s going to be an issue for anyone else – get over it.  

Our family serves as our personal petri dish, demonstrating our personal & familial chemical interactions.  We can make it our first, greatest learning lab.  Don't grouse or grumble about family fracas - take notes!