TIME TRAVEL

It was a tender-hearted morning.  Maybe it was due to the cold, raw weather.  Maybe it was seeing Ed & Wystan, with their kids & Berith, at Be Well - past memories from my young years mashing up with the new.  Or realizing, after having sat down for church, that I had to get up & walk down the transept, out to the car to get my glasses.  

No doubt, a mixture of those & much more.  Plus feeling light headed during the service, a sense of not totally fit, which translated into musings on life's fragile connections.  

Wistful, without any trace of melancholy.

Choir Hall

It's an interesting experience, stepping back to watch the components of the after-service gathering in the Choir Hall.  The gathering, itself, is relatively new within the last 15 years, although it makes such sense it's a wonder it wasn't started decades ago.  Such a lovely opportunity to see people, to talk, to engage.  Today, there were a veritable human bouquet of Roses - the Stan & Gina variety - gathered for a double baptism of two of John & Marcia's grandchildren (offspring of the Epic Wendy!), along with people I've just met.  There were older friends who are the parents of my classmates & friends and there were young people who are the children of my classmates & friends, young people who are dear to my heart & ones who are decades older than I who are equally at home in my heart.  And one special fellow who will soon be way too far away - he & his wife define conflict, as I am excited about them embarking on a bold new life adventure while wishing they weren't actually, you know...  going.

Back to Be Well

Be Well was considerably quieter on my 2nd visit of the day, after dropping Anne off at Lisa's, than on my first "grab a short cuppa" a couple hours earlier.  Lovely gab with Adriann, as she wrote up the new specials on the roll of brown butcher paper & I savored a Garden Bagel.

Dare to Believe

Then, I came home & made good on my pledge to clear out the small pile of  my stuff that was certainly out of place under the living room coffee table.  Among the things I cleared out/sorted was a journal - Dare to Believe - that I wrote from 12/01/03 - 01/29/04.  

Panera ~ ~ Was working at Panera, the opening shift.  Working there offered a painful AH HA! moment -  couldn't stand on my legs for long periods of time, at least couldn't stand still.  (As witnessed by my many baking marathons, can stand for hours without ill effects as long as I am in motion.)  The book includes company contact names & numbers.  I enjoyed working at Panera, especially opening up (even though it meant a sometimes wrenching wake up time), and the management liked having me at that time because I was cheerful & welcoming, even at 6:30 a.m. when the doors opened to The Faithful Few who were always there, always chomping at the bit for us to turn the latch & let them in.  The franchise owner's wife especially liked being served by me & was quite unhappy when leg/ankle problems forced me to bid farewell.  

Haven't thought about any of that in eons.  Yet, on look at the name Joe Chizek, and it all comes back in a flash. 

Oprah, Diana & Martha ~ ~ There's a reference on the 3rd page in to polymercafe.com, witness to my fascination with polymer clay arts.  A mention to "Oprah as good example of a woman connected to her essential self.  And Diana!  So glad Martha Beck mentioned her."  Wish I knew the article this referenced.  Even now, I agree that Diana was connected to her essential self, which was her doom as her life was in a family that doesn't seem to have had (at least at that time) any investment in essential selfhood;  maybe that concept was her greatest legacy to her boys.  

Metaskills ~ ~ Bottom of that page, one word - METASKILLS - with no explanation from whence it came.  But the next page continues, "Dave & Candy are excellent examples of people who are metaskilled," so I can get the gist of what it means, since it continues, "They are adept at negotiating the change cycle, rebirthing themselves through personal transformation.  From a very early age, they learned how to change, with a sense of it being okay."

Death & Rebirth ~ ~ Page 5 has an interesting observation - "'Square ONE:  Death & Rebirth.  You cannot create a new life without destroying the old one.' page 266" -  but NO reference to the source!  It continues, in my voice, "I am an artist.  A friend. A wife.  A B&N lover.  A traveler."  

Then, out of nowhere, it goes off on a tangent (I think) - "When I did not follow through on my request that Mom make good on her oft-stated option of moving to Mike & Kerry's (Australia) - which would have left me free to step into a more separate light - a big part of me folded its tent & slunk over the horizon."     How can I not have written down the source!?!?!?!

Genuine Nobody ~ ~   Goes on, "When you've lost your identity, but have not worked up to genuinely embrace a new one, you're temporarily a kind of a nobody."  

Would take me another eight years before I'd feel like I was genuinely coming into my own.  Interesting, the importance of being a genuine nobody instead of the pseudo someone who came before. 

2020 Vision ~ ~ It's interesting, reading old journals, especially ones that are introspective.  It feels like I am connecting to a separate version of me.  So many stepping stones between then & now.  And leaves me wondering what the 2020 version of me will think, reading my 2012 blog posts. 

Interesting thought.  Envision my (aptly named, one hopes) 2020 life...