Engaged

Am grateful that I spent my single years actively noticing the things that came into my circle of experience as a single woman.  Realizing that there were couples out there who had a great need of the surplus time & energies that were mine (since my social life was virtually non-existent) to provide.  Realizing that it would be wisest to seek child care work outside of my cozy close hometown, since if someone wanted me for a Bryn Athyn function, then it was probable it would be something I'd want to attend, too.  I offered things - my time & energies - that would not be available in the same way if I was married, had children.

Am grateful that, after I married, I was the sort to look around at my life situation & realize that I still had a  considerable amount of available time & energies to offer people in need of some get-away time, as well as a husband who was utterly at ease with his own free time.  Did it ever dawn on me that perhaps my talents were as suited to working with "ancients" (Mom's term, not mine) with newborns, toddlers & teens?  Not really - was too busy working with my own ancient, Mom, who lived with us.

Am grateful for realizing that having the delightful home my husband provided allowed me to offer creativity workshops for all ages, from fudge-making & cake decorating to "For Men Only" gift crafting to "My Best Year" discussions, expanding interests, talents & perspectives.

Behind it all was Mom, always encouraging me.  It didn't really occur to me that Mom, in her 80s, was herself fully engaged in life due to anything I might have done.  Took until a few months back for me to fully appreciate Mom's comments that I badgered her into doing more.  Never clicked how often I was encouraging, enabling & empowering - downright PUSHING - her to stay fully engaged in life.  

When Mike & Kerry came with the kids for Christmas in the early 1990s, Mom was loathe to have them stay here;  assuming her reluctance was due to logistics, John & I figured out how to transform an unused spare room into a comfortable bedroom for the parents, with the kids cozy in the den (happy as clams, with their own bathroom & telly) - she, everyone, had a wonderful time filled with priceless memories.  

It took little nudging to convince her to drive down with me to DisneyWorld after I'd been part of a massive layoff from Prudential; never really took the time to consider that not everyone would have arranged all their travel plans around the needs of an elderly woman, but it was a pleasure for me - and we came home with even more priceless moments & memories (and, in key ways, a transformed ancient).  

When it came time for Whitney's wedding shower, at a time that Mom was still recovering from a bout of poor health, once again I busily removed obstacles from Mom's ability to go. 

When Mom longed to experience a friend perform in Iolanthe, I pointed out that she wanted to hear Bob sing, not see the show, so we could go for the first half, then duck out at intermission - she treasured hearing & seeing him without a shred of regret at missing the full experience.

Never fully dawned on me what she meant by badgering until a young adult acquaintance this summer reflected on her own experiences with me, using a word that made everything CLICK  While I remembered babysitting for her family when she was a little one, had completely forgotten subbing for a history teacher when she was in high school.  A quiet observation blew my socks off ~ she noted that I brought the same unusual quality to my teaching that I'd brought to babysitting:  instead of just plunking the kids in front of the television or reading with the students from the textbook, "you engaged us - you did things with us."  

That's what I had done for all those years with Mom - engaged her, engaged her in what was happening right around her, with an expectation that engagement was possible.  Just as I had with Sharon's family, with her class. 

The same is true, working with my grannie clients.  The quality I bring is engagement.