If we really want to live...

....we'd better start at once to try;
If we don't, it doesn't matter, 
but we'd better start to die.
~ W. H. Auden ~

What is it, this "living" business?  

For me, it is being of service, both to others & to myself.  That "& to myself" bit is relatively new.  Well into my 50s, service meant doing for others.  Any question of what might serve ME didn't even make it to the conscious state, let alone manage to get onto list of THINGS TO BE DONE.

And that didn't seem in the least bit strange to me.  It's what I saw my mother doing, my sister doing;  it was what they appeared to expect me to do.  Not a question of "put yourself last," but "there is no you."  

It didn't seem strange, but somewhere on the far edges of my consciousness, wisps of "Hmmmm...." and "Do you thing...?" bubbles of thoughts drifted for brief moments before being burst.  

At 60, I can say that - for me - fully living includes me, embraces me, celebrates me, reminds me that the New Testament  presupposes I love myself.  It doesn't say to love our neighbor MORE than ourself.  Simply "as."  Who am I to question the Divine??

Living to the fullest is, to me, honoring relationship - relationship with all that is around me, with the people I come into contact with every day, with the people I work with, care for, love;  relationship with myself, with the complexities that make up the conflicts that pit different parts of my being against each other, with the different experiences of life that make up who I am & what I bring to life;  with my Creator, the ultimate relationship.  

Death, to me, is the sense of lack of relationship, lack of connection, of honoring.   Little deaths are experienced & felt in zinging or getting zapped with a belittling comment, in broken promises, and especially in a sense of cold.

In some very real ways, I spent a good deal of my earlier life in a state of suspended animation, sort of a semi death, because I didn't honor, connect with, let alone respect the person I AM.  

Connecting with, honoring, downright celebrating ME doesn't make me hoity-toity when it comes to others, not higher, not lower;  just standing shoulder to shoulder on at least a relatively level playing field.