" Great conversation flowed easily."

Silly, getting teary over friend's FB posting about a dinner shared with friends & a college-age son.  It just sums up everything I've always admired in my sister, my brother, my mother & my husband, a quality I most woefully lack.  I am, or so it has always felt, devoid of any engaging conversation.  

John can discuss things that constantly surprise me & which engage others in back & forth discussion.  Mom always had the gift of asking the question that got someone opening up to her.  Mim could talk about a range of topics, from literature to what's happening on today's sports scene.  Peter - well, I don't know how to describe him, so won't even attempt.  

Me?  I am a conversation ender.  Have lacked the gift of gracious listener, the good fortune of an absorbed education, the blessing of a good memory & ability to connect people with events.  I am an anti-conversationalist, with no interesting insights to add, yet lacking the wisdom to stay silent & soak up others’ voices & thoughts.  

It is a great sadness.  

How I envy people who can say, "Great conversation flowed easily."  

I feel just like the character in West Wing who tells the love of her life that she "missed the window" for becoming someone who can do a serious relationship.  And the love of her life assures her it's not too late, that it will take work & effort, but he'll teach her, they'll work it out together.

But John can't teach me how to engage with other people.  He's all impressed because I can open a discussion with anyone.  He misses that opening a conversation is basically all I do.  There's no depth to continue in any substantial way.

Maybe this is the last negative legacy I have from my earlier family years.  The #1 message I received was that I was had nothing of worth, nothing to add to the family conversation.

Imagine growing up with people who gave off that vibe!  

I used to think Mim intentionally avoided having the sort of wonderful, deep, interesting, mind-massaging discussions with me that I heard her have with others.  All we ever talked about were TV shows & Pitcairns - ad infinitum.  I came away convinced I was too dim a bulb, too shallow, to be worth her investing time & energy. 

No one in my family talked to me about matters of substance.  Politics, religion, current events were all okay, but nothing that took me further - and oh how I wanted to reach further, deeper, richer.  

Ended up with a vocab too high-falutin' to connect with people whose  conversation range most suited me; too uninformed to keep up with & contribute to discussions with the very people whose minds I admire.  

Small wonder that a comment about a great conversation around a family dinner table reduced me to tears.

I missed the window. And there's no Danny to help me find it.  

I want people in my everyday life - lots of them, lots of ages.  

I want discussions, from silly to substantial.  

I want to belong. to feel a sense of place.  

I want to feel like I am competent at life.  

And it feels like I missed those windows, too.