"Is it safe?"

John often quotes from the scene in Marathon Man where Laurence Olivier's Nazi dentist drills NYU student  Dustin Hoffman with the question, "Is it safe?"  

Much to my surprise, I woke up this morning asking the same question - without the dental instruments of torture, but certainly after a torturous path from clueless to aware to beginning to become informed & capable.  

Is it safe to be vulnerable - in the biological sense of that word, to let things in & out?  

For most of my life, it felt like it wasn't.  It felt like the safest way to live was by doing my best to scope out what other people wanted from me before they had to ask for it, like my wisest course of action was to correctly read their body language, tone.  

My conversation skills were practically inverted, part of me always slightly separated, watching to make sure I didn't say one word too many, didn't speak one moment longer than was acceptable.. So, no - it was NOT safe to be vulnerable, to just let go, to step out of fear & into flow.

Vulnerable was the last thing I was.  Until John came along.  And he knew - because I told him, quite often - that I shied away from love from fear of making myself vulnerable.  It was why I was a "cad magnet" when it came to guy-gal relationships - it was safe to hook up with guys who put themselves first.  But I didn't have any choice in the matter when it came to John.   My heart took one look & that was it - game over.

Looking back, 24 years to the day since our first, brief, didn't-remember-his-name-but-LIKED-him encounter, I realize those last two words sum up precisely the difference John made & makes in my life ~ it's not a game anymore, but the real deal.  

He is real.  

Our love is real.  

Our relationship with each other, with friends & loved ones is real.  

And it is the reality of it all that makes it safe.  

Safe to see myself as a challenged member of a mega challenged family, where everyone seemed on a confused path, no one seemed to feel even close to being what I'd call healthy, whole.  Safe to be excited about being at this remarkable place in my life.  Safe to build on the groundwork that I - I! - laid over the past couple years to achieve greater & greater health & wholeness.  Safe to be joyous & helpful, to do work that matters & is financially rewarding.  Safe to BE.  Most of all, safe to BE.

"Is it safe?"  Yes, it is.  And so we begin...